Daft Jokes and Stories! If you use one in your speech, please send us another!

 For those who identify with the Irish…..

A Kindly Word

A sign in the cafe said:
“Tea, Meat Pie and a Kindly Word for £1.00.”

A customer ordered, and got his tea and meat pie.
But what about the kindly word he said?

The waitress replied ” If I was you, I wouldn’t eat that pie”

The First Christmas Joke

A man calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says:

“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-eight years of misery is enough”.
“Dad, what are you talking about?’” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer”, the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her”.
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone,
“Like heck they’re getting divorced”, she shouts, “I’ll take care of this”.
She calls home immediately and screams at her father,
“You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there.
I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?”and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

“Done! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.” 

Compliments of Bro. Liam Fitzgerald

President Barack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,
he greets one – Hi.,. The patient replies:
“Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.”

President Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:
“Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
“Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle”

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, ‘Is this a psychiatric ward?’
‘No,’ replies the doctor, ‘this is the serious Burns unit.’ .

A ragged tramp stopped a Mason on his way home from the lodge and asked him for money for food.
“I’ll do better than that!” said the Mason. “Come into the pub, and I’ll buy you a drink!”
“Thank you!” said the beggar. “But I’ve never drunk and I never will!”
“Well, let me buy you some cigarettes then!” said the Mason.
“No, thanks!” said the tramp, “I’ve never smoked and I never will!”
“Okay”, said the Mason. “Come back to the lodge with me and I’ll see you get a meal!” “
No, thanks”, said the man. “I’ve never entered a Masonic lodge and I never will!”
“Right, then”, said the Mason “Will you please come home with me and meet my wife!”
“Why?” asked the tramp.
“Well”, said the Mason. “I just want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and hasn’t joined the Masons!”

COMMITTEES – but surely not yours!!

Oh! Give me your pity, I’m on a Committee
Which meets from morning to night,
We attend and amend and contend and defend
Without a conclusion in sight.

We confer and concur, we defer and demur,
And reiterate all of our thoughts,
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda
And consider a load of reports

We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose
And some points of procedure are won,
But though various notions are brought up as motions
There’s terribly little gets done!

We resolve and absolve but never dissolve,
Since it’s out of the question for us,
What shattering pity to end our Committee
Where else could we make such a fuss???

A tired old mason whose hair was gray,
Came to the gates of Heaven one day,
When asked, what on earth he had done the most,
He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast.
St. Peter said, as he tolled the Bell,
Come inside my Brother you’ve had enough of Hell.

A mason went out to meetings a lot. “You never take me anywhere”, his wife complained.
At 5.00 next morning, he woke her up and said, “Come to work with me!”

In Memory of W. Bro. Wesley McGrath – a great raconteur who told this story at many at Festive Board.
The Ballad of William Bloat
(by Raymond Calvert – written around the time of the first World War 1914 – 18)

A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet blocked. So he rings the Plumber.

“But I don’t work Sundays! Can’t it wait until tomorrow.” The Doctor said. “I don’t like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you”
“OK” says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, take two aspirins from his pocket and throws them down the bowl.
“There” he says “If it’s no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round.”

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing.
“What’s going on?” he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines.
The other replies “It’s a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus.”
“What’s the score?” asks the first man.
“I don’t know, it’s a secret.”

There’s a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he’s very drunk.
A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition?
Man: II’mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry.
Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!

Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a light bulb?
A: It’s a secret!

A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:
She) Well how’d it go ?
He) Very well – most interesting
She) What did go on ?
He) I’m not really sure if I can tell you about it.
She) Well is there anything you *can* tell me ?
He) Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men.
She) What do they do – if you can tell me ?
He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ….
She) And the Holy men ? What of them ?
He) They seem to be a special class of men – all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly – “Oh My God Oh My God !”

Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car.

The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to “blow into the bag”.
To the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results.
Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative.
Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered:
“The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy”.

The Mason answered the ‘phone. “Yes, Worshipful Master!” he said. “Certainly, Worshipful Master! I’ll do that, Worshipful Master.
Thank you, Worshipful Master!” “Goodness!” said his wife when he put the phone down.
“You’re not so quick to do things for me. I wish I was your Worshipful Master”.
“So do I ” snapped the Mason. “We get to change him every couple of years!”

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost.
A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field.
They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft.
The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, “About 200 feet up in a balloon.”
Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again.
One turned to the other and said, ” I bet he’s the Secretary of his Lodge!”
“Why do you say that?”, the other asked.
“Well what he has told us is absolutely true – but in our present predicament is totally useless!”

– Found on a cup in a Lodge in Ireland:

“OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY”

If Bro. Tommy Cooper were alive today:

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
———————–
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
————————
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
———————–
I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’
I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
—————————-
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best before End’
—————————
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue.’
I said ‘No, just a watch.’
——————————
I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’
The bloke said ‘Kenwood’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
————————–
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel.
————————
I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
—————————
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.
—————————-
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
—————————-
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
—————————
The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work?
I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’
————————–
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’
He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’
———————-
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me..’
————————–
I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’
I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’
—————————-
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them ‘Can I have a skip outside my house?’
He said, ‘I’m not stopping you!’
——————————–
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says ‘Audi!’
————————–
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, ‘Nearest the bull goes first’
He went ‘Baah’ and I went ‘Moo’ He said ‘You’re closest’
——————————
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. I said ‘I careered off the road’
———————-
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there…
————————-
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
————————
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said ‘Eurostar’
I said ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.
—————————
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
——————————–
I went to the local video shop and I said, ‘Can I borrow Batman Forever?’
He said, ‘No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow’
——————————–
A waiter asks a man, ‘May I take your order, sir?’ ‘Yes,’ the man replies.
‘I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?’
‘Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.’

If you have to make a toast….

Sláinte! Toasts, Blessings, and Sayings

May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

May you live as long as you want,
And never want as long as you live

May the saddest day of your future be no worse
Than the happiest day of your past.

May the roof above us never fall in.
And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.

May you live to be a hundred years,
With one extra year to repent!

May the Lord keep you in His hand
And never close His fist too tight.

May your neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.

May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light,
May good luck pursue you each morning and night.

May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Heard in the lodge…

Why does my computer crash!
Well if the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to that red bit on your mouse.
But if the copy of the floppy is too sloppy. there`s a risk
That no drive detects the driver `til you deselect that disk.
Don`t get down and dejected, or your spool start state will stall,
And your project gets rejected by the printer in the hall.

Then if a packet hit`s a pocket in a socket on the port,
It will lock it up and block it, and distort it and get caught,
While a minimum of memory makes your macro mode abort
So the socket packet pocket has an error ot report.

When your printer picks a programme folder followed by a dash,
If you click the blinking icon,”fatal function” starts to flash
So your data gets corrupted ,`cos the host hub hasn`t hashed,
And then all your tasks are trashed,
So yout system`s sure to crash.

Will you fix it if you flick it?.If you whack it, you might crack it,
So think quick, before you kick it, and contact the help desk back.

Hard Drive ..
Four engineers are riding in an old car when suddenly the engine stops and the car grinds to a halt.
The mechanical engineer says confidently: “I expect it’s a transmission problem.”
“Nonsense!” says the chemical engineer. “It’s bound to be a fuel problem.”
“In my opinion it’s the ignition,” says the electrical engineer.
Unwilling to be left out, the computer engineer says: “…How about if we try all getting out, and then get in again??…”

Forget…
Forget the hasty, unkind word: Forget the slander you have heard;
Forget the quarrel and the cause; Forget the whole affair, because,
Forgetting is the only way. Forget the storm of yesterday;
Forget the knocker, and the squeak; Forget the bad day of the week.
Forget you’re not a millionaire; Forget the gray streaks in your hair;
Forget to even get the blues — But don’t forget to Pay Your Dues!

Do You Just Belong ?.. 
Are you an active member the kind that would be missed
or are you just contented that your name is on the list?
Do you attend the meetings and mingle with the crowd,
or do you stay at home and moan both long and loud?
Do you take an active part to help the lodge along or are you you satisfied
to be the kind to “just belong” ?
Do you ever go to visit a member who is sick
or leave the work for just a few and talk about the clique?
There is quite a program scheduled that means success if done
and it can be accomplished with the help of everyone.
So attend your meetings regularly and help with hand and heart.
Do not be just a member,but take an active part!
Think this over, Brother… are we right or are we wrong ?
Are YOU an active member ? Or do you – Just Belong …?

A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down.
The Candidate said as it was no great distance he would go on his bicycle.
Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke.
As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so, he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord!.

Kiss me quick..
Paddy was going home from the lodge meeting one evening, when a frog on the pavement called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
Without a word, he bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The creature spoke up again, louder this time, and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a year and do anything you want.”
Paddy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and then returned it back to the pocket. The frog then cried out desperately, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you forever and have your children!”
Again Paddy took the frog out, smiled at it benignly and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, with tears in its eyes, “What IS the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you forever and do anything you want.
WHY won’t you kiss me?”
Paddy said, “Look, Oi’m a Master Mason.
A girlfriend just takes up toime when I could be learning lectures.
But a talking frog, now that will get me a free drink in the bar !”

Gone before..
There was once a very senior and respected mason who lived in the northernmost part of the north of England, and was the treasurer of a splendid lodge in NW London.
The brethren held their Ladies Festival in early summer, and on this particular year the temperature in southern England soared to 38 degrees centigrade (about 99 Fahrenheit).
The worshipful brother decided to precede his wife and spend a day working in the capital before she came down to join him for the event.
So he took the Great North Eastern Railway down to London and found his way to his hotel.
After he had settled into his room, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he got one letter wrong and his note was directed instead to the elderly wife of a Bishop, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a terrible scream, clutched her chest and fell dead upon the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room, found her lying there, and someone noticed this message on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Have just checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
ps: Sure is hot down here !

 Small Beer..
It was a humid, hot summer night in an Irish lodge in the Far East, and the air-conditioner in the temple had broken down.
After sweating their way through part of the ritual, the WM addressed the new candidate, asking him what he most desired.
“A beer….” gasped the candidate.
“Light! light!” whispered the conductor frantically into his ear.
“Oh yes….”, exclaimed the candidate. “A lite beer !”

The Huntsman..
A freemason decided to take up hunting, so he went to see the local Master of the Hounds who also happened to be on the square,
to get help and advice on choosing and buying a good hunting dog.
“Try this this one”, said the Master of Hounds. “I call him JD.”
He kept the dog for a week and then returned it.
“This dog does a lot of running round, but he needs a lot of directions to make him go where I want him to. Do you have anything better?”
The Master of Hounds searched in the kennels and brought out another dog. “I call this one JW” he said. “Try him for a week see what you think.”
One week later the aspiring huntsman came back to report.
“This dog really seems to know a great deal, but even he needs to be corrected, although he’s definitely one up on JD.
However, he’s still not quite right – do you have one more I can try?”
“I have the perfect one for you”, said the Master of Hounds. “He’s a lot older than the other dogs,but I know he’s been fully trained and done everything.
I call him PM. Try him out for a week and I’m sure you’ll be pleased.”
However, early next morning the would-be hunstman was back on his doorstep. “This dog is no good at all!” he complained.
“What do you mean?” said the other, “He knows everything there is to know about hunting!” “Yes, he may know it all”, said the huntsman, “but all does is sit there and bark!”

Q: How many masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement,
and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulbs.

It Matters Not

It matters not whate’er your lot or what your task may be
One duty there remains for you, One duty stands for me.
Be you a doctor skilled and wise, Or do your work for wage,
A labourer upon the street, An artist on the stage;
One glory still awaits for you. One honour that is fair,
To have men say as you pass by: “That fellow’s on the square.”

Ah, here’s a phrase that stands for much, Tis good old English, too;
It means that men have confidence In everything you do.
It means that what you have you’ve earned, And that you’ve done your best
And when you go to sleep at night Untroubled you may rest.
It means that conscience is your guide, And honour is your care;
There is no greater praise than this: “That fellow’s on the square.”

And when I die I would not wish A lengthy epitaph;
I do not want a headstone large, Carved with fulsome chaff.
Pick out no single deed of mine, If such a deed there be,
To ‘grave upon my monument, For those who come to see.
Just this one phrase of all I choose, To show my life was fair:
“Here sleepeth now a fellow who Was always on the square.” – Anon

DANCE LIKE NO ONE ‘S WATCHING

Just a little inspiration…

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another.
Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough and we’ll be more content when they are.
After that we’re frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse or partner gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice holiday, or when we retire.

The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
There will always be some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.
These obstacles are your life. This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.
So reassure every moment that you have.Treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time…and remember that time waits for no one…

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids,
until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night,
until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until autumn, until winter, until you are off the dole,
until the first or fifteenth, Until your song comes on, until you’ve had a drink, until you’ve sobered up, until you die, until you are born again…..
To decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy…..

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Work like you don’t need money, Love like you’ve never been hurt, and Dance like no one’s watching.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Reflections of  a Masonic Wife

There is a little band of men, Who have a strong desire

To meet together now and then, And wear a strange attire.
They are not jockeys or rugby players, They’re not even the “Klu Klux Clan”
But a poor girl’s life is full of strife, When she’s married to a Masonic man

For if he’s not in the red. He’s in the black, Or even the green or blue
And she can never quite keep track, Or even have a clue.
The endless telephone calls she takes, With great efficiency

And all the suppers and fancy cakes, She makes so lovingly,
The shed needs mending. The plumbing needs drained,The garden has gone to pot,
The wallpaper needs hanging, the carpets are stained, And the woodwork’s starting to rot.,

And all these things that need attention, For time they tell you they’ve none,
But for the Masonic ones only to mention, A job and as quick as a flash it’s done!
How strange they can never remember to get, That card for a birthday greeting,
But, tragic it would be should they ever forget That very important meeting.,

And yet we should not grumble so, nor despise this affliction, it’s true,
For without it where would our dear ones go, And whatever would they do!,
They’d watch the football on the box, Get paralytic down the pub,

They’d slouch around in smelly socks, Demanding all their grub.,
They’d drive you crazy about their car, Go goofy about their golf,
And you would wonder just how far They’d go before you’d had enough,
Or perhaps they’d love to be beside you so dearly To help you with all your plans,

But a woman’s idea of helping is clearly so different from a man’s,
And so it seems a touch absurd And really quite ironic,

That we should say with heartfelt word: “God Bless The Dear Masonic”,

Mrs. Marina Walker

(Attributed to Cargycreevy Lodge No. 606 Irish Constitution)